;;;Lost and Lonely;;;
Anyone who has battled with anxiety and depression knows the feeling of dread when the anniversary of certain events creep up. The dread just creeps into your stomach and balls it up. Sometimes you almost want to will the past to change, because it's so sad or traumatic. Everyone knows the past can't change, but I would be lying if I said I hadn't willed it to change a few times in my life.
I know I have a bad habit of looking through old journals, watching for memories on Facebook, and my mind of an elephant, to remember things that happened in the past. My husband usually gives me a hard time about this because I spend too much time focused on past events. This year is a little different for me though.
A year ago I was about to embark on one of the best weekends of my life. So many friends and family were able to come together to celebrate my grandma's 85 years on this earth. This was a milestone weekend for her because for the first time ever all of her grandkids were in the same room together. It was also the first time since the winter of 1986 that all of my siblings were together. It was truly a whirlwind weekend and I didn't want it to end. I love my family to pieces and it was so nice to meet new faces and see familiar faces I hadn't seen in a long time.
One week after the most amazing weekend ever, I was sitting in my bathroom taking steps to end my life. I felt like I was failing at life. Looking back I don't know how I didn't crack sooner. Isn't it crazy how we put ourselves under so much pressure? I felt like I needed to prove something to everyone and in turn, I failed. I thought my failure made me less of a person, but it didn't. It was preventing me from living up to my full potential.
Immediately after this attempt I took a leave of absence from work and met with my doctor to get my medications back on track. I also checked myself into a local behavioral health facility. PS, shoutout to those of you who took my kids to school, and shuttled me around to these appointments. Our Evansville village is amazing! It was there in the hospital that I realized the ramifications of my poor thinking habits, lack of medication maintenance, and even lack of self-esteem. The latter has always been an issue for me.
One thing I did learn while in the hospital is this, not everyone who knows your story is going to keep it for you, nor will they understand your story. That's okay too. We have to love people where they're at, forgive them for their gossiping out our story, forgive their harsh words that are said out of ignorance, and love them with grace. We aren't responsible for other people's thoughts or actions, we are only responsible for our own.
This last year has taught me who I can and can not trust. It's a hard lesson to learn sometimes, but it's a lesson I don't regret learning. If anything it taught me that love in your heart easily pushes out the hatred in your heart. I also learned that I don't have to prove anything to anyone but to myself and to God. Although, even God gives me grace daily for battles I lose.
For those who are battling the social stigma that is a mental illness, I encourage you to reach out to friends and family. Unfortunately, because mental illness is such a stigma we don't know who battles with each day and who doesn't. If you're reading this and you need someone to talk to, please reach out. One of the nice things about coping with mental illness daily is you find out from time to time that you aren't alone. Shortly after my stay in the hospital, I had a friend gift me a necklace with a semi-colon and the phrase "the rest is still unwritten". She also has this symbol tattooed on her wrist. I frequently draw it on my wrist to remind myself that I don't want to end my life because the rest IS still unwritten. Only God can choose when my story is over. Until then, I'll semi-colon my way through life!
I know I have a bad habit of looking through old journals, watching for memories on Facebook, and my mind of an elephant, to remember things that happened in the past. My husband usually gives me a hard time about this because I spend too much time focused on past events. This year is a little different for me though.
A year ago I was about to embark on one of the best weekends of my life. So many friends and family were able to come together to celebrate my grandma's 85 years on this earth. This was a milestone weekend for her because for the first time ever all of her grandkids were in the same room together. It was also the first time since the winter of 1986 that all of my siblings were together. It was truly a whirlwind weekend and I didn't want it to end. I love my family to pieces and it was so nice to meet new faces and see familiar faces I hadn't seen in a long time.
One week after the most amazing weekend ever, I was sitting in my bathroom taking steps to end my life. I felt like I was failing at life. Looking back I don't know how I didn't crack sooner. Isn't it crazy how we put ourselves under so much pressure? I felt like I needed to prove something to everyone and in turn, I failed. I thought my failure made me less of a person, but it didn't. It was preventing me from living up to my full potential.
Immediately after this attempt I took a leave of absence from work and met with my doctor to get my medications back on track. I also checked myself into a local behavioral health facility. PS, shoutout to those of you who took my kids to school, and shuttled me around to these appointments. Our Evansville village is amazing! It was there in the hospital that I realized the ramifications of my poor thinking habits, lack of medication maintenance, and even lack of self-esteem. The latter has always been an issue for me.
One thing I did learn while in the hospital is this, not everyone who knows your story is going to keep it for you, nor will they understand your story. That's okay too. We have to love people where they're at, forgive them for their gossiping out our story, forgive their harsh words that are said out of ignorance, and love them with grace. We aren't responsible for other people's thoughts or actions, we are only responsible for our own.
This last year has taught me who I can and can not trust. It's a hard lesson to learn sometimes, but it's a lesson I don't regret learning. If anything it taught me that love in your heart easily pushes out the hatred in your heart. I also learned that I don't have to prove anything to anyone but to myself and to God. Although, even God gives me grace daily for battles I lose.
For those who are battling the social stigma that is a mental illness, I encourage you to reach out to friends and family. Unfortunately, because mental illness is such a stigma we don't know who battles with each day and who doesn't. If you're reading this and you need someone to talk to, please reach out. One of the nice things about coping with mental illness daily is you find out from time to time that you aren't alone. Shortly after my stay in the hospital, I had a friend gift me a necklace with a semi-colon and the phrase "the rest is still unwritten". She also has this symbol tattooed on her wrist. I frequently draw it on my wrist to remind myself that I don't want to end my life because the rest IS still unwritten. Only God can choose when my story is over. Until then, I'll semi-colon my way through life!
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